Well, We're Movin' On Up: April 30, 2007

Ok, folks, someone please tell me what the hell I was thinking mixing my white show saddle pad with colors? See, integration is a wonderful thing, but not when it comes to laundry. Really, I do know better than to mix my whites with my colors, and now I have a blue show pad to show for my lack of judgement. Mazel tov!

Speaking of mazel tov, today Nic and I moved on up to a deluxe stall with a window. Here she is enjoying her new window! It's the corner stall; that's right, we've moved on up to the corner suite. Oh yes, we have arrived! We finally got a piece of the pie!

Some other sucker gets to slum it in the stall with no window now. Just kidding, the stall we were in was a great stall, Nic is just excited to have something to watch now.

Nic and I have made a couple new friends since Trainer's untimely (or timely, depending on who you talk to) exit. One boarder is very kindly going to drive with me in the trailer to the show, so I don't have to drive alone. I have also been placed in contact with a professional hauler; she didn't have any openings for this weekend, but she did in the future. At least we have a contact for the future.

My ride times for this weekend are up (finally) and they aren't too hideous. I generally have a "no riding before noon" policy, but for shows, I obviously suspend that if I must. My ride times are 10:30am and 11:30am, so I think I can handle that. I had better ride times on Saturday (2:30 and 3:30) but I can't get a ride that day, so I will have to scratch. After the "Leg Edema" incident after the last show, I am hesitant to take Nic to a 2-day show, so that's why we are sticking to Sunday.

Nic has told another boarder, Tenacious D, that she misses Trainer, but since we are but men, what can one do? We are trying out 2 new trainers this week, one on Wednesday and one on Thursday. Both are FEI level trainers, and both have extensive show records. I'm going to try both, then pick one, because I really only want to work with one person and their system. My goal here is to have a trained horse, and I believe that if there are "too many cooks in the kitchen," to use the cliched idiom, then it's just too confusing.

I had been trying to decide if I should sit or rise the trot through my test. I took video of each; I am doing the same test in each video. The thing about Nic is that I find it easier to half halt her when I'm sitting when she roots. I feel I can keep her more under control. The issue with this is it compromises her gait quality. Hence why I took the video. Here are the links:

Posting: http://youtube.com/watch?v=dRWTX4e4upg

Sitting: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ymr2IGXLlvs

It was only after I took and uploaded the video that someone told me that I can both sit and post the trot in my test as needed, especially if I need to half halt her and get her listening again. So, that information made this exercise rather obsolete, but the video is still there as a testament to my efforts.

I bought a new bit yesterday to see if it helps with the rooting. Although my mare can be a little piggy, she isn't genetically a pig, and we aren't looking for truffles (although, if she doesn't make it as a dressage horse, a career searching for mushrooms may be in store), so Nic needs to learn to carry herself and cease the rooting.

This new bit is the exact same style as before, a french link loose ring snaffle, but this new one is thinner. I don't know if it will do anything, but the thought occurred to me that maybe she is rooting and not listening because her current bit is too soft and easy for her to tune out. It could also pinch, who knows.

Use Your Delusion, Part I, April 28, 2007

*Cue Doogie Howser MD theme music*

It's been a few days since my last post, and a lot has gone on. Where do I begin to recount the past few days?

On Thursday, Trainer and I had an "artistic disagreement," in a Guns N' Roses kind of way, and I threw him off the farm. Now he isn't speaking to me. Bad heavy metal clichés aside, I think the pressure of being a trainer to a competitive person got to him, and he doesn't want that level of responsibility. That's not to say he doesn't have the knowledge to be successful in that venue; he does. I think Peter Pan just doesn't want to deal with the commitment.

I tend to be very focused in the pressure-cooker sense, and not many people can take the stress. To me, it's just a natural occurrence, and I'm just doing what I feel needs to be done, but not many people are that way. I've been told I have enough energy to sustain New York City. This gross exaggeration aside, I am, how shall we say, NOT CALM. This is just speculation; I really don't know what's up, because he won't speak to me.

So, Trainer has strutted and fretted his hour upon my stage. I think this is the end of Team Nicolbria, and we must "break on through to the other side," in the words of the poetic Jim Morrison. I don't want it to be this way, and I hope it's just temporary, but I cannot stop the wheels of progress because of a minor setback.

Really, though, I'd been seeing signs over the past month of some wear and tear on our working relationship and of Trainer's waning interest. He wasn't returning calls regarding Nic's health, he didn't respond when I asked him if he wanted to go see Nic's babies, the incident at the show, etc. His Mr. Spacely-style outbursts were becoming more frequent. So, there you have it.

And thus begins the Great Trainer Search of 2007. I have someone coming on Thursday, a local FEI trainer (for the uninitiated, FEI is the international governing body of the Horse World. A FEI trainer is one that competes at an international level). I'm gun-shy with regards to trainers as a result of my interactions with the Cult of Beauty; the Horse World is a true "Vanity Fair," and, like Becky Crawley, one is generally at the mercy of the Old Biddies's Club.

I hope it works out with this new trainer. In the meantime, I'll just do what I do with the mare.

Nic and I have our 2nd show next weekend. I have to rearrange transportation - that's the big issue here. I've sent out queries to people to see if they can help; it will be easier to sort out a game plan once I know my ride times. Hiring a trailer shouldn't be hard, it's just expensive. Then there is the issue of needing someone to hold my jacket and watch the clock, etc.

So Long, Riding Jeans, We Hardly Knew Ye: April 25, 2007

Ah, 'tis the end of an era....Special K helped measure me for a pair of Equissentials britches. It is unlike me to do an unabashed product placement like this on "Of Horses and Humans," but I love Special K's britches, so I had to get a pair like them. And since "Of Horses and Humans" is about me, my horse, and the Horse World in general, I suppose it's ok to talk about my new britches. They are black (of course! Everyone looks good in black! Hides the fat...) full seat with deerskin leather. I requested to have the NA/WPN logo (pictured left) stitched into the leather. I thought this would be a cute idea since Nic is a registered NA/WPN. I suppose this is the one aspect of my personality that aligns with the DQ persona - I do like breed logos. The same logo is on my show saddle pad. But that's where my commonalities with the Dressage Queen persona ends.

Quite contrary to public opinion, I am not too big for my britches. The opposite in fact - I've lost enough weight that none of my existing jeans fit me. So, now I'm too small for my britches (or jeans, but that's merely semantics).

Let me tell you about the lifespan of a pair of jeans that I wear riding. They start out as new and as fresh as school children on the first day of school. After a while (say, 3 weeks or so) they are broken in and comfortable, albeit a little stinky. But this is a good stinky, like a fine Brie or a robust Camembert. Other similarities with runny French cheeses, besides the smell, are the mold that ripens the jeans and the fungi that encrusts and preserves same said jeans. Finally, after many months of wear and love, the jeans begin to rip in the most unfortunate of places, until the holes are too large for this modest horsewoman to handle. Such is the lowly lifespan of a pair of jeans worn by yours truly.

One can see how I could become tired of this sad cycle, thereby explaining my evening rendezvous with Special K and a measuring tape. Or, more to the point, as Special K put it, I've come to a point in my riding where a pair of britches is essential. Poor BFF Steph will have to lead the riding jeans brigade on her own, much to her dismay.

So long, riding jeans, we hardly knew ye.

We have had a string of 80 degree days, and the poor horses are feeling it. Nic has not been herself this week. If only the mare could talk! She has been doing very well with her canter transitions. I've focused on that since my last lesson with Trainer, since we scored so poorly on them at the show. Monday, she bucked the first trot-canter transition on each side, but did the subsequent transitions on each side well. Tuesday, we did 6 transitions in total, and only got 1 buck! 5 out of 6 ain't bad. Today, Wednesday, she did all of them very well. I hope this means we are getting somewhere! "5's" on our canter transitions, here we come! (6's are still probably out of our league...) Short of writing a letter to Santa at the North Pole, I've done all I can to ensure we get better scores at our next show.

She has clamped down on the right side of the bit for the past 2 days. I am hoping that it is just because she is tired (it IS 80 degrees, after all), especially since she has been trying so hard on her upward canter transitions.

Miss Thang lost control of her normally reserved self yesterday and bit me. Just took a big ol' chomp out of my arm. She is a girthy horse, and something got the best of her yesterday. Mares and their opinions! Believe me, I've tried everything to make girthing up more comfortable for this horse, and no, she doesn't have ulcers. I don't think it has to do with girthing being uncomfortable as much as just not liking that area touched, because she is the same way with blankets. I know I don't like being touched every place on my body, so I guess horses are the same way! I have a nice hematoma from Nic's little love bite...I'll just tell everyone that Trainer beat me.

Funny story: A couple years ago, when I first started riding, I rode Mr. Sister's horse, and, as the cliche requires, I fell off the poor beast, and went sailing under the fence, causing a bruise on my entire left bicep. The next day, I went on vacation with Papa Smurf (Dad) to Belgium. I'm not a shy butterfly, and of course wore tank tops, not thinking too hard about the bruise on my arm. It took me a while to figure out why people were looking at me, then staring at Papa Smurf, then looking back at me. Whoops. At least I got a funny story out of it, right?

Wow, I just realized I've been writing "Of Horses and Humans" for more than a month now. Hasn't seemed like that long...it has been terrifying and wonderful, n'est pas?

In BM I Trust and the Sane Boarder's Prayer: April 24, 2007

We have some empty stalls at the farm. Oh, yes, the corner stall with a window will be mine...oh, yes, it will be mine!

Please dear Jesus, bring us boarders who are sane! We already have one very grandiose DQ at our barn, please for the love of all that is good and pure, do not bestow upon us anymore dressage queens! For those who aren’t “in the know,” Dressage Queens are the mayors of the Cult of Beauty, and spend more time making disparaging remarks about others than actually riding their horses.

For this, I utter the following "Sane Boarder's Prayer":

Our Barn Manager, who hath made heaven,
Hallowed be thy Hay.
New boarders come.
Sanity’s will be done,
On arrival as it is presently.
Give us this day our sane new boarders.
And forgo our past dramas,
As we can’t forgive those who make much ado about nothing.
And lead us not into insanity,
But deliver us from lunacy.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Yes, I wrote that, so it's copywrited. I'm thinking if I just repeat this enough times, we will have good, honest, mind-their-own-business-and-not-stir-the-pot boarders. The people we have now are great, and we all get along very well. I just don't want the balance to be upset. There is one person boarding there that I've had to discontinue discussions about/with because it was just too much drama going on. Otherwise, it’s been sunny skies.

I'm an easy boarder - I clean up after myself, contribute where I can, try not to stir up the pot too much, and just generally get along with everyone as best I can, even if that means ignoring them. I've been told by BM that I'm an easy boarder, so I'm not just making this up. Cross my heart, and hope to die.

Let’s face it, however, I am one of those people who can’t stand to be stepped on, so when someone tries to step on me (as often happens with Dressage Queens and the Cult of Beauty), I must push back. It’s in my nature. So, hopefully, we will get people who mind their own business, and don’t try to take liberties that aren’t theirs to take.

So please, dear BM, for the love of all that is good and great, please find us sane boarders. I trust your judgment; you are a good BM and a good judge of character. I guess a few weeks ago, a Western Pleasure rider came looking for a stall, and she didn't think they would be a good fit because of differences in training ideas. That was my understanding. I think also there was a current boarder who wanted the stall, so they got priority. In BM I trust.

On a different note, Nic did better yesterday. We are working on our canter transitions. We got 4’s on our last test because of the bucking, so we are working on quiet, sane trot-canter transitions. I got a number of good ones in each direction yesterday.

We also need to work on our free walk. I don’t think we have much of an excuse for the 5’s that we got. Really, it’s walking! Nic is a red head, not a blonde, and it’s not like she has to walk and chew gum at the same time (difficult for yours truly), so our free walk scores really need to be higher.

Two New Videos and A Challenge: April 23, 2007

I have two new video clips to share. They are equally crappy in quality, since I didn't have anyone to video for me. Sorry about that. However, I do have a challenge for you, dear reader. Both videos are of me riding Nic - can you figure out in which video Trainer rode Nic before I rode her? This is just an amusing exercise to wile away the boredom of a Monday morning.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7500627190345628071
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1369265106961101044

On a different note, I've been emailing with Nic's previous owner regarding the two foals Nic had before coming to me. Recall, Nic was a broodmare long before I got her. I may have seen them when I went to check out Nic, but I don't recall. I've been invited to see the babies, and I hope it works out. I've been interested to see how like Nic they are. Someone needs to hold me back from buying one of them though. There's an empty stall at the farm....really, it isn't even the purchase price that stops me because the price is reasonable. It's the cost of keeping 2 horses.

Pass the SPF 45 Before I'm Burnt by Enlightenment: April 22, 2007

Sometimes I look at Nic while Trainer is riding her, and I wonder what she's thinking. Sometimes I see the lightbulb going off (or, since the horse has a brain the size of a walnut, I see the candle being lit), but mostly I just don't see anything. Maybe she's concentrating? In her stall, her thoughts are easy to read: Hay, Hay, Grain, Hay, Hay, Apple, Hay, Oh, brush my face!....

I've got some new video. Maybe you can read her thoughts?

It was 80 degrees and sunny today. Time to get out the sunscreen! I have this dramatic fear of wrinkles, and I got a little sunburn on my chest today. I refuse to look like a baked ham when I'm 50, so I try to do the sunscreen thing. I had a friend in college who was 21 and looked like leather (with crows feet!) from spending so much time in the sun. She didn't smoke or anything! Just sun damage. The lesson: Sunscreen it up, folks.

So, after some thought, I'm throwing caution to the wind, and am going to discuss the "circumstances" that happened at the show April 14th. Pull up a rug, and get out your milk and cookies, because it's story time.

I scheduled a 6:30am leave time. My first ride time was around 10:15am. Bear in mind that I was driving the trailer. Trainer blew off the leave time, deciding that 6:30am was too early for him to wake up. As a result of his "johnny come lately" attitude, we left an hour late, arriving at the show an hour late. I was able to get in 15 min of warmup before my ride time. Sorry, I can't even be funny about this.

Just as I was about to go in to the ring to do my test, I realized Trainer left my stock tie at the trailer. As a result, I missed my ride time, and was almost eliminated from my first class. For the uninitiated, dressage riders are required to wear certain articles of clothing, one of which is the stock tie. Our illustration of the illustrious Mr. Peanut does not include one, so I've attached a photo here:


Yes, this was also my very first show ever. So, you can understand why I wasn't too unhappy about our scores. He was supposed to read my tests out loud for me, but disappeared, and didn't read my first test. I had the test memorized, but was so livid by the time I got into the test ring that I went off course.

To be fair, he did talk to the judge about what happened, which is why I got to ride at all. I don't know what he said. Otherwise I would have just been eliminated.

Really, the guy is a brilliant rider, but has serious time management issues, and serious respect issues. The cabron just loses it when he has to do anything but ride. I'm getting to the end of my tether with this guy, especially considering the level of effort I've put out to keep him working with my horse. I'm beginning to question whether working with him is worth the chronic headaches. He leaves so much up to me to figure out on my own, and then bitches about how I do stuff.

Really, though, Friday's walk through the Garden of Malcontent has been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. We have been working consistently on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday, with nary a deviation except for the past 2 weeks due to holidays and shows on Sundays. Because he doesn't have a license right now, I have to pick him up to come to the farm, and we chose these days because both of us could allot enough time for picking him up and dropping him off. We have done this consistently for 2 months.

I don't know what got into him, but he tried to tell me Friday that we had been discussing switching Sundays with Saturdays. Yeah, um, no we hadn't. Now, I get that on Sundays he is tired from working and just wants the day to be over. I can appreciate that. However, considering the amount of patience I've had with this whole arrangement, especially taking into account the events of my last show, being told that we have discussed something that I'm quite aware we never discussed is a figurative slap in the face. I'm not stupid, so either he is trying to lead me down some garden path, or he's having psychotic episodes and having these discussions with himself. Like I said, I'm basically out of patience with this guy. So, I really don't know what's going to happen. The arrangement we have, and our interactions with each other, and with the horse basically works, but he gives me far too many headaches. I've had root canals that were more pleasant than dealing with him has been lately. (No, really, I have.)

Where Mr. Peanut Meets Bullwinkle: April 20, 2007

Mr. Peanut: The Ultimate DQ?

Ah Mr. Peanut, how you do rock the DQ ensemble. Note the white gloves, the magician-esque quality about them...the old chap even has the requisite upper-crust pinkie going on. Mr. Peanut, if only we mere dressage riders could look as good as you...you are the Queen of the Cult of Beauty, the veritable soul of the Dressage Queen. Unfortunately, Wikipedia doesn't have a definition of "Dressage Queen," but if it did, you'd find Mr. Peanut's photo right there.

In the hideously small photo to the left, you can see an actual DQ sporting a similar look as Mr. Peanut. Little did Planters know, when creating Mr. Peanut, that they were, in fact, stealing the look DQ's have worn since the inception of Dressage. Or did they?!

In an act of rebellion against the Cult of Beauty (sorry, Mr. Peanut), I bought tie-dye and pink leopard print polo wraps. Both sets are equally obnoxious. In shows, I'm willing to put on the Mr. Peanut get-up, but bucking the trend is my normal MO. Hmmm...maybe the horse and I are more alike than I thought.

Just as I bucked the DQ trend this week, Nic spent much of this week bucking the "nice canter transition" trend. Nic got a training ride on Tuesday, and from what I recall, that went fairly well. Wednesday, however, she bucked through her transitions. I don't really know what the deal is with these bucking transitions, except that there's a remote possibility that I have a tense horse. The bucking generally is a result of her not stretching her back. This back stretching issue is a real hurdle. I think once it's overcome, the rest will come much easier. It's so frustrating. After 8 months, the horse understands the concepts of lateral work; she can do shoulder-in, half pass. She just can't do canter transitions calmly and stretch over her topline.

There is a boarder at the farm that is into the ganja, and has meditation sessions with my horse. She tells me what Nic is trying to say to me, but that I'm just not "attuned enough" to hear. Maybe she and Nic should get together and "feel alright." Maybe that would help my tense mare mellow out a little. Perhaps this is the way to crack La Resistance...mon.

Nic received a vaccination on Tuesday. I wasn't aware she was getting one until BM told me that afternoon that the vet was out to see her. Naturally, I placed a call to the vet, and was told that Nic got the same vaccine I gave her a week or so ago. Hmmm....that wasn't what we discussed; she was due for Potomac Horse Fever and West Nile vaccines. That explains why she didn't want to move her neck on Tuesday, and why she was making that same strange face she made the day that I thought she was pissed at me. They really shouldn't have given her anything without notifying me first, but mistakes happen.

Yesterday, whoo boy howdy, as the cowboys say. Woe betides the rider who gets in the way of a mare in heat. I didn't actually get on her, because Trainer said she was so stiff, it was pointless. She is in heat, and she gets very achy when that happens. It's useless to attempt to make her do anything.

Today, she did much better. These training rides are doing their job very well but she is still a tough ride even after Trainer gets on her. She isn't a robot that he programs - I still have to support her every inch of the way. I think we are slowly cracking La Resistance. Only my scores at the next show will tell.

I just realized I don't have a horse, I have a moose. A big, pushy Bullwinkle. La Resistance is just a fancy name for it. Be with us next time for "Half a Trainer Is Better Than None" or "Where Is My Stock Tie?"